I actually wrote this several weeks ago, but have held off on pushing the “publish” button. Things are settling down now, but this just serves to remind me how quickly they can go awry. (Thanks for reading baby…)
The pace of my life has recently moved from a relatively neutral, comfortable position, to a remarkably Talladega-like pace. It was once my normal speed (which self-diagnosis has labeled “borderline frantic”) but now, following innumerable months of job-searching, volunteering, and accomplishing everything I put on my daily “to-do” list (for example: transplant monkey-grass, wash dog, call so-and-so, mend pants), I find this move into the fast-lane to be wholly uncomfortable. A once-clean bathroom sits stained and cluttered while I secretly hope that no one will drop by unexpectedly, in need of a tinkle. Where I once looked at my dear love with wonder and amazement, I now look at him with a sense of urgency and need (as in “please…give me attention!”) The dog has fleas, the phone-bill is two months past due, we haven’t eaten a truly homemade meal in weeks…all of these things irk me tremendously, and yet I am powerless to remedy any of them given the few, short hours in each day. By the time I return home in the evenings I am exhausted with work and ready to enjoy drink, a bite to eat, and a snuggle. I am exhausted with customer-service chatter, my feet ache, and I have not lifted a weight or done a single squat in at least 17 days.
As I sit here contemplating all of the little changes over the past several weeks it dawns on me - after 34 years I still have no sense of “middle”. In my mind, “middle” is where you see the dirty dishes in the sink and say to yourself in a perfectly rational way “Oh well, I’m exhausted and they can wait until tomorrow.” It is most certainly NOT where you gaze upon said dishes and think “Oh my, if I don’t do them now we’ll have roaches by morning.” You then proceed to wash them, all the while resenting the fact that no one is helping you do them and wondering how your life culminated in such a futile and meaningless effort. This is an exercise in giving up control…one that has become a theme in recent years.
Then, like magic, I come home to find the toilet has been scrubbed, the phone-bill paid, the puppy bathed in herbal flea-repellent, and even (bonus!) de-wormed. It is at this point that I gaze upon my sweet love and think “You are amazing”, as if I had forgotten rather than simply buried that fact amongst all of my worries and trivialities. In these rare and wonderful moments, I finally slow down just long enough to appreciate all that I have, rather than moan about all that I do not. I feel calm, present, aware, and completely at peace with it all.
Lesson learned…at least for the moment.
